January 2020

Mr Meaner

Aries: This month, listen to the stories that pull you outside of yourself. Listen to the songs that make you weep. Listen to your neighbour’s dog howl all night. Listen to your kids making out downstairs. The listen to your heart when it says “move away.”
Taurus: The challenge isn’t knowing where you’re going, but rather holding on to your sense of where you stand. You’re the only one who’s seen this map, maybe, or you’re the only one who’s been this way before. It the same alley you bought that bad weed in last week. Time to move on.
Gemini: This is a month for speaking the name of the evil you see. Saying it 3 times while standing on your left foot will conjure Satan himself “Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump.” If Michael Keaton appears you’ve done it right. Congratulations.
Cancer: Being a sensitive and emotional person, you sometimes feel as if life is slipping out of your control. Yet, if you make the most of your many skills and talents, there is no reason at all why you should imagine this to be the case. Those fake $100 bills and the lies you tell will take you far. Cheer up.
Leo: Pressure for change at home may have abated, and you may feel that now is not the time to risk an open disagreement. Your room mate got a hand gun for Christmas and now is not the time to demand that $50 they owe you.
Virgo: It will soon be time to enjoy yourself. For once, you really can afford to delegate tedious tasks to other people and indulge your own desire to let rip, whatever the consequences. Knocking over that 7-11 was just what the doctor ordered. That said, don’t eat all those pepperoni sticks at once.
Libra: The Moon, in association with other planets, reminds you that social and partnership issues still have to be dealt with in spite of recent developments. Remember planets are not people so stop howling at your co-workers. Though your bark maybe worse than your bite, nothing says rabid dog like a bullet to the head.
Scorpio: Financially you have been reaping the full benefit of Jupiter’s helpful patterns, marginal though this may be, and you must still be on the crest of a wave. Jupiter’s 3 dances are almost over so you’re up next. Try not to expose yourself until the five dollar bills start to fly.
Sagittarius: Financial negotiations may have gone well, but it now looks as if final decisions may be altered or adjusted next week, through no fault of your own. Jupiter has taken all the prime shifts and you’re left twirling your pasties just after the free buffet lunch.
Capricorn: Mars is still playing a powerful role in your personal relationships so partners will be in a demanding mood, and unexpected changes of behaviour on their part will keep you on your toes. Consider spiking everyone’s food with Xanax and once the timing is right, rob them.
Aquarius: By now you should be well on the way to returning a sense of personal meaning to your affairs. Both personally fulfilling creative matters and romantic relationships should be doing well. What am I saying? You’re really a loser and will believe anything I tell you.
Pisces: Although events are generally moving your way, the fact that you seem to have so many routine chores heaping up is purely due to your own failure to keep ahead of your past. Collecting all those “Wanted” posters from years gone by not only clutter things up but they freak out your neighbours every time they borrow the sugar.