HorrorScopes: September 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: Convert some of your stress and tension into energy, though you might not be able to complete an ongoing plan at this point in time. Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time in the future once you “converted” some of that “energy.” Prison will be fun.
Taurus: One-on-one relating opens doors that previously were sealed shut. What is important is not to make a judgment just yet. A friend might not be as loyal as you would like. Consider breaking the glass in that door instead. Getting to know people is highly over rated anyway. Buy a dog.
Gemini: A partner becomes unusually sensitive, yet what bothers this person doesn’t make sense to you. Just accept the way he or she feels. Caring flows through acceptance. Caring also flows from a bottle of cheap liquor. Decide which is easier. You’ll need ice.
Cancer: Network and enjoy associates, but don’t take anything said as a given. Ideas flow, and you’ll enjoy brainstorming with others. Make sure you take credit for everything. No one likes humble in the business world. be ready with Polaroids of your associates if they challenge you on ownership.
Leo: Your imagination stretches far and could impact you at the oddest moments. Others envy your ability to gain a perspective no matter your mood. That bank robbery you’re planning probably isn’t best planned drunk or angry. Since that’s most of your waking hours, you’re safe for now. Never sober up.
Virgo: A family member or roommate could be involved with a charged area of your domestic life, which presents a problem. Tension builds. Your spouse will find out. Everyone will disown you. Good news, you’ll be free at last!
Libra: Keep asking. You might feel as if certain matters need completion, but there’s a problem. Pull back when there is an obstacle, and find areas where you can move freely around that issue. Be like the water. If your friends don’t help you move, flood their basement.
Scorpio: Finances are the issue at hand; however, you manage to handle it. You have an ability to mend problems through discussions or by developing a different attitude toward handling funds. Who knew never answering your phone or getting the mail, could lift that weight off your back. Sleep well.
Sagittarius: Use your personality and charm to resolve a domestic problem. Usually you receive a strong response when you mobilize the assets of your personality. Try dancing like a bear or begging like a dog. The animal tricks you picked up last winter will really pay off. For full effect, lift your leg.
Capricorn: Allow more time for you. Sometimes your schedule is so intense that you don’t have enough time for your personal thoughts. All those voices in your head are dominating your time. Tell each of them to shut up in 50 words or less, after all your time is valuable. Note: Only talk to yourself in private.
Aquarius: You might not agree with the majority of people in a meeting. In fact, despite what others think you could decide to head in your pre-chosen direction. Eventually, you’ll find their incessant begging for their lives, tedious. Ask them if they’ve ever met your “little friend.” Once they’re quiet, produce a hand puppet from your pants and call him “Musky.” Someone will understand. Befriend them. Kill the rest.
Pisces: A vague sense of confusion surrounds you. You hear what could be important news. Do verify the facts first. You might want to hold off on acting on any matter for several days. It wasn’t really Gagon from the planet Plennis talking with you in your sleep last night. It was a secret brain altering ray the government has, but you won’t find any information on the internet so just trust me and keep listening to my bedtime pod cast. The trigger word is “mumble.”