HorrorScopes: March 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: A caustic remark cuts you to the quick, but resist the urge to respond in kind because it’s not worth it. Lowering yourself to this person’s level only diminishes you. Knock them down and stand on their chest. The view will be much better from there. Wear cleats.
Taurus: You’re surprised to learn that someone you gave up on, never gave up on you. Make plans to get together because now they’re filthy rich and if you manipulate them like you used to, you might just have an unexpected payday. Isn’t Facebook great?
Gemini: Friends accuse you of playing with your variables, but you know better than to accept things as fait accompli. Keep your options open… and your zipper closed. That way, they won’t see you “playing with your variables.” Get a room and some tissue.
Cancer: You don’t like last minute changes, but let this one come in under the wire because it benefits you enormously, so back to the closet with you. Pick the outfit carefully because the funhouse mirror will be your worst enemy. Black latex looks good on you.
Leo: You thought you were above a certain type of work but no one’s above anything in today’s economy. Don’t worry. Indentured servitude doesn’t last forever. Well, it does but I’m sure you can convince yourself and others you’re successful somewhere, like Japan.
Virgo: You hate to leave anything half finished but if you want to maintain your excellent standards then you’ll have to let something go. They’re getting too heavy anyway, and now you have roof top dirt all over your favourite shirt.
Libra: Your decision may be sudden, but working out its consequences will take considerably longer. Don’t let that dampen your resolve. head to the Dollar Store, buy some giant cardboard, string, map pins and a marker. Start tracing all the connections you have to Kevin Bacon and then call your friends. Someone will be impressed, somewhere.
Scorpio: If you’re waiting for the right time, then you may be waiting a long time. Today is as good a day as any to act on projects you’ve been talking about starting. That liquor cabinet for example, though you’ll have to empty it first. Drinking is just the first step.
Sagittarius: A last minute cancellation or change of plans throws you for a loop. Think fast because this could work to your advantage. The plane is still on the tarmac, the Americans are still in Syria, you’re still hoping for a better world, the bomb is still in your carry on. Think hard.
Capricorn: Practice living in the here-and-now. It’s not as easy as it sounds – especially for someone who’s keenly aware that the clock is ticking. Now’s the time to regret traveling with Sagittarius.
Aquarius: Cut out of work early today if you can. Embattled colleagues won’t come to their senses anytime soon and you could use a breather. Go for a drive and reflect on what idiots your co-workers are. Then start cursing ut your boss. Once finished blame your spouse, boss and kids for everything wrong with your life. Turn the wheel to the left and don’t stop. Increase your insurance first.
Pisces: Seeds are planted for a future venture but you won’t see any signs of growth before July. By then you’ll have to hurry just to catch up. In the end, it doesn’t matter because March is your month. St Patrick is calling you from the grave and he insists you do something stupid in his name. Step 1. Eat toast. Step 2. Wear Green. Step 3. Drink too much. Step 4. Alienate everyone around you. Step 5. Stagger home. Step 6. Wake up on the floor. Step 7. Buy more bread.