HorrorScopes: March 2018

Mr Meaner

Aries: This is a morning that starts with confusion… perhaps there are too many options to decide from. Still, it is a great day for communication. Ask yourself whether you’ll have the Wheaties or the Cheerios before you decide. Drink.
Taurus: You are focused on sorting out several issues on the home front today, and at the same time you are likely to meet people who have a lot they want to talk about. Pretend to listen while nodding your head up and down. Be sure to purse your lips from time to time. It’s a great way to feign concern. Sneak drinks.
Gemini: Today you are especially creative and you really create something good. You love to use your head and express yourself. Be sure to bundle up it’s cold standing outside on that soapbox. Prepare for your friends to forsake you.
Cancer: Colleagues want to share their ideas and it is a great day for teamwork. At the same time there is space to think in new ways and experiment a bit. Try doing everything by yourself. If people still want to help, belittle them in front of others until they quit and then begin drinking.
Leo: This is a day when you enjoy a verbal joust or simply when you can discuss what is on your mind with a partner. That said, be sure to eliminate anything incriminating. If you find yourself in an awkward position, use words like “as if” and “oh, come on.”
Virgo: You may wish to maintain a low profile whilst you talk with someone you trust. There are personal issues to weigh up and new possibilities to consider. Since you friend was arrested for terrorism, everyone’s listening. Don’t use words like “hate” or “environment.”
Libra: This is a fine day to participate in educational and group projects. There is engaged debate and people want to learn something. Travel can also be an experience. Be patient. Your parole will be coming up shortly and you’ll have all the time in world between check-ins to attend the yoga and self-help retreats you dreamed about in prison.
Scorpio: This is a lively day with lots of work talk; people are open and curious. This could be the time to put forward your agenda. Suggest forming a union and spiking the water cooler with LSD. If you find everyone agrees, suggest the closest bar before they “wake up.”
Sagittarius: Today brings social contact and interaction. You can always make progress when you can share your ideas with others and get inspired. Suggest things like sleeping with their sibling or doing it in public places. Make sure to introduce yourself first. Stay drunk.
Capricorn: This is a day when you need to be able to withdraw from the scene and really think about all the things that are going on. Time to reflect on life. Staring blankly into space while standing on a street corner is a great way to be committed and prescribed copious amounts of mood altering narcotics. Don’t’ believe me? Try it!
Aquarius: This is the kind of day you like, when you can get your ideas across and generally just talk, which suits you fine. Having all your listener’s mouths closed off with duct tape is a brilliant strategy. Leave them tied up long enough and they’ll agree to anything. If you find people non reactive, check pulse.
Pisces: This is not the month to talk about the economy, but it is good to get an overview. Avoid stress and sort out what is important and what is not, and box them up accordingly. Once that’s done, pick one and set it on fire. If you burn the important stuff you may have big changes and new challenges ahead. If it’s the inconsequential box you pick, chances are you’re an arsonist… and also a drunk.