HorrorScopes: June 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: Today you will go overboard trying to spruce up your looks. You attempt to imbibe new looks. A very desirable date will raise high expectations in you and will keep you on the edge of your seat. Don’t worry if they don’t recognize you at first, that Bozo the Clown wig and white face will pay off bigly in what look like balloons.
Taurus: Your thoughts, tender and dreamy, will keep drifting towards someone special. Come evening and you will, in all likelihood, be sitting closely together, arm in arm, with your spouse or your sweetheart…. or that person you met on Grinder. Buckle up.
Gemini: An extremely profitable and progressive day awaits you. Your responsibilities will increase along with a possible promotion at work or you may come into a handsome inheritance. Either way, it’s time to buy all those buds you wanted. Lucky for you, you have the internet and a debit card. call your old dealer and say you’re sorry.
Cancer: You will try to improve ties with beloved ones and your devotion and dedication will reap benefits for the future. You will have physical and mental happiness even if you have to be shit-faced to talk to them. Bring cookies.
Leo: With your natural instinct to be a social charmer, you have built a fine circle of dedicated people on whom you can bank with confidence under any circumstance. Today might be a day when you get the opportunity to make use of such support. Tell them about the big job you’ve been planning, then show them your gun. If they run, they aren’t your friends. Set traps.
Virgo: The artist in you will set the floor ablaze today. You have the remarkable abilities of a showman and comedian, and people will feel thrilled at your treasure of jokes in the evening. Be sure to recharge that extinguisher and lock al the exits. The sound of screams will be music to your ears. Maybe if they laughed at your jokes.
Libra: You will tend to worry about small things but you will be able to earn from different sources today. Pornhub, XHamster are both looking for videos of men with tiny members, so don’t worry. Fame and notoriety are just a click away.
Scorpio: It’s a good day for long term real estate investments. It may lead to benefits and profits in long run so sit back, relax and enjoy the pleasures of life before you miss out on them. Turning your garden shed into an Air BnB was a great idea, though I think you misspelled “Hoe” in your ad. Buy a hose and some rubber gloves.
Sagittarius: You have been experiencing the adverse effects of stressful lifestyle of late. But not anymore, as you realize the importance of good health, maintaining it will begin with good news or a promotion at work. Those moves the boss suggested you do each morning in their office, are really paying off. You can almost touch your toes now. Breathe deeply.
Capricorn: Overcome with feelings, you may make decisions that stand in the way of your success. Don’t let your sentiments ruin your future prospects because the damage done will be beyond repair. It doesn’t matter that yo hate everyone. Everyone hates you too.
Aquarius: You try to do everything in order to complete your targets today, but you won’t be able to complete the tasks on time. Remember, giving up is easy.
Pisces: Major expenses are coming your way, but the good news is a lot of them can be avoided simply by drawing a line between your needs and your wants. If your needs step over that line, shoot them. Your wants will forever be your friends.