HorrorScopes: July 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: The approaching eclipse will bring out the emotional side of your nature, but that’s no bad thing. Remember that time you cried for days until you got that vacation south you really wanted? Might have cost you the marriage but you have money left over from the sale of he house.
Taurus: This is a good time for travel and social activities, and if you can find a way to combine the two it could be a great time. If a loved one says something hurtful this week don’t hold it against them, hook up with Aries and make plans to get even.
Gemini: If you have been putting off sorting out your money situation then put it off no longer. The stars, in some way or other, will provide a solution to your cash-flow problems. Ask your cousin if you can borrow that pistol you found, together, years ago. The one that was inside the dumpster covered in jam. Watch TV.
Cancer: If you focus exclusively on the things that mean most to you in this life over the next few days it could transform your very existence. Everything happens at the right time and your time is now. Don’t worry the paramedics did all they could and you’re reading this from the after-life, not the sauna. You didn’t sign out.
Leo: You don’t want to admit that you need help but you are smart enough to realize that unless you reach out to those who can assist you then your troubles could get worse very quickly. Removing your own kidney was a bad idea and you know it. Time to put away your pride. Google is listening.
Virgo: Don’t try to force your opinions on people who see things from a different perspective. You actually have quite a lot in common and if you try to understand where they are coming from you could soon be going places together; jail.
Libra: If you want something enough you will find a way to get it, even if powerful forces are opposing you. If you accept a promotion, you won’t have as much time for friends and family. Success comes at a price. $99 and available at any nightclub out by the airport. Friends and family, Pffft.
Scorpio: Open your eyes to new possibilities and it will amaze you just how many paths there are to the kind of future you want. Life is like a big bunch of balloons and right now you’re in one. The future is at the end of the string some life sucking child is holding. nest to stay in your balloon and not go anywhere but up. Drink more.
Sagittarius: You appear be feeling guilty about something you did recently, but guilt is a useless emotion, so get over it. You did what you had to do and now you must focus on what you are going to do next. Stick with plan. Next step. Go somewhere no one can find you, bury the evidence and return back to work. Be patient.
Capricorn: Let partners and loved ones know how much they mean to you. Cosmic activity in the relationship will help you express your feelings, something that does not always come easy to you, and by Cosmic Activity I mean continue to live inside the fantasy that is in side your mind. This is the only way you’re getting some. Try begging.
Aquarius: You have been making a lot of work for yourself of late and if you carry on in that vein it could have an adverse effect on your well-being. You WILL DIE!
Pisces: Your star is very much on the rise at the moment, but have you accomplished anything of a practical nature? Did you finish those dishes you started? Flies are not your friends.