HorrorScopes: July 2018

Mr Meaner

Aries: Try not to notice other people’s faults today, but if they cannot be unseen at least don’t draw attention to them. One person won’t take kindly to your comments and will give back every bit as good as they get. Don’t forget your Kevlar vest at home.
Taurus: As usual you will call it as you see it today and you won’t care in the slightest what the consequences might be. You might run into Aries later in the day. Exchange war stories and your legal pharmaceuticals.
Gemini: On a mission to do something special, your heart needs nurturing and tenderness today. Nah, just kidding. Kick ass and take no prisoners. Push losers out of the way and tell your Mom how you really feel. Bring your Tupperware.
Cancer: Important matters demand your attention today and it’s best you concentrate on the business at hand. Unfortunately, you might rather be doing something else. While having sex while driving seems like a good idea, there’s only one real winner and they carry a badge. Consider tinting your windows.
Leo: Although circumstances at work require you to dutifully show up and perform your regular tasks, you’re likely to speak your mind and express yourself in ways that are confusing to those around you. Pretending to speak Chinese is both racist and politically incorrect. Stick with that Mexican accent you use instead. Liberals will love you.
Virgo You are dancing on the edge that normally separates the physical world from the metaphysical one. All that LSD you ate is beginning to kick in but once you come down you’ll wonder how you made it to the ledge of 99th floor. Answer, you had wings!
Libra: Your social life is on the launch pad and you’re eagerly anticipating blastoff. Although you’re already dreaming about the potential for fun and games ahead, you may be a bit discouraged that you can’t lift off. There’s a little blue pill that will help with that. wash it down with some Tang; the breakfast of astronauts.
Scorpio: You can’t hide behind your work because professional responsibilities require you to plead your case before your peers. In fact, corresponding and collaborating with your boss or coworkers might be the most important item on your to-do list today. Share your private collection of cat videos and various online handles at Tinder. Find new peers.
Sagittarius: Open skies stimulate your wanderlust and you’re ready to conjure up an adventure to carry you off into the distance. Standing atop the local mound you summon the powers of the world’s Super Eagle who picks you up, carries you aloft and… I think you know where I’m going with this. Avoid deep sleep.
Capricorn: You’re less interested in small talk now because your mind naturally gravitates toward deep issues of profound significance. Now people are collecting at your door and the street has become blocked by hang-ons, truth- seekers and Looky Lous. Consider returning to that old way of thinking that included fluoridated water and a nightly dose of Halcion. Being deep is complicated and you’re not ready for it.
Aquarius: Your ability to objectify your emotions enables you to engage in spirited conversations with others today. After mansplaining away child birth you’ll follow it up with why “Madonna is so hot.” These aren’t winning conjectures. The policewoman they called will find all the drugs and alcohol. Consider staying home today.
Pisces: Although your eagle eye comes in handy, you could unintentionally upset people with your biting criticism. Avoid words like loser, heavy, boring and unemployable. These will only inflame the lesson you’re trying to give, because you’re a giver of lessons. Avoid all apples in the near future.