HorrorScopes: December 2018

Mr Meaner

Aries: Get things rolling Christmas Day. Your energy is just right for giving that gentle nudge that ensures events take place without your having to direct every little detail. It may get crazy. Consider arming yourself. There is no longer a gun registry so you can stockpile weapons until needed during the oncoming zombie march, Boxing Day.

Taurus: Car trouble may arise Christmas Day, so you are well advised to keep cars out of your life for the day. Ride the bus take the train or stay home. You’re not in physical danger, you just don’t need the hassle. Later in the day it will occur to you that none of your friends offered to pick you up. Once again Christmas will suck.

Gemini: You may find it harder to cope with changes today so see if you can just slow down and handle things one step at a time. It may not be the optimal solution, but it should work as well as can be hoped. Maybe that’s sex change operation wasn’t such a good idea after all. Your grandmother won’t recognize you when she asked to share the restroom and takes that after turkey dump right in front of you.

Cancer: You need to Branch out today so, it’s a good thing your energy levels are practically doubled. It’s the perfect time for you to step up and show the world how it’s done. Throw back those pharmaceuticals by the handful. Crashing comes later. Energy comes now.

Leo: All you want is for people to quit fighting on Christmas. Is that too much to ask? Apparently the answer is yes, as weird sniping breaks out over tiny issues all day long. Next year cook with your heart and lace the entire meal with cannabis oil. Smooth sailing and everyone will be fascinated by the dishwater.

Virgo: Who needs help on Christmas? You should keep an eye out for trouble, especially if you’re friends don’t see it coming. Warn everyone about your sibling’s drinking problem before they get there. Once they become too unbearable, one word; sedate.

Libra: Christmas dinner will be a challenge. Show that you can respond with calm. You may find that you need to stretch yourself a little past your limits. Start drinking early so by the time dinner arrives, you’ve passed out and someone else has done all the work. Turkey leftovers for the rest of the week. Winning.

Scorpio: Travel is highlighted today, so even if you’re stuck at home for the day, it will be a good time to plan, or at least to dream about, next year’s Christmas. Imagine yourself far away, on a beach with people bringing you drinks instead of dirty dishes. The fact that family won’t talk to you afterwards may turn out to be a blessing.

Sagittarius: You aren’t quite feeling the love you usually do on Christmas, but don’t panic, it’s only temporary. Every now and then, you fall out of sync with those you love, but it doesn’t last too long. Envelopes full of cash are guaranteed to buy affection from even the most distant relatives.

Capricorn: People seem to be losing their minds over something that you said, but good luck explaining that to them. Wait for them to calm down and then insist that it’s not your fault they’re cheap. Sheesh.

Aquarius: Try to take one positive step toward greater health Christmas Day. Even that one piece of fruit or walk up  flight of upstairs can help make a real difference in your life especially since you just ate a piece of turkey the size of your aunt Mabel’s ass.

Pisces: It will seem everything you try will fail Christmas Day. Take a good look at the friends and family around the table for the last time and let the dog know you’re just going for bread.