HorrorScopes: January 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: This is a marvellous day to schmooze with friends, partners and members of the general public. Everyone has a strong sense of well-being and optimism today. Hang out with the Nihilist, once you’re tired of the geeks and do what you do best, nothing.
Taurus: You can get a tremendous amount done at work today by working with others. Any kind of teamwork will achieve valuable results today because people feel happy to work together. You wrap the dynamite, Bob will make the fuse and get the guy from accounting to deliver the package to the boss. Leave work early.
Gemini: It’s a marvellous day to enjoy sports events, parties, social outings, the arts and playful activities with children. Stop working and set aside some time to play today because timing is everything. It’s important they see a cock fight before turning nine.
Cancer: You will enjoy anything related to home and family today. You might want to entertain at home or have a group meeting at your home, because agoraphobia is real. You have it, so serve last week’s chicken to anyone who doesn’t believe you.
Leo: In your everyday surroundings today, you will feel optimistic and ready to face a new year! This is a strong upbeat time for new clients and sales. Don’t forget, Ayahuasca is hard to find and goes for a premium price. Take pictures of your friends for blackmailing them later. Stay sober.
Virgo: Look for ways to boost your income today because they certainly exist. Whatever you do related to your money and your possessions, you will do in big way. Have a sale on your front lawn and advertise free beer if you spend over $100. Once the money is in hand, run away.

Libra: You will enjoy being around congenial people and you will want what’s best for others, especially old friends or people you have known for a long time. It’s been years since you saw your old prison mates and compared scars. Get drunk, reminisce and share your latest crime stories. Then realize hookers and blow are really your best friends and your old cell mates are losers. Call the police.
Scorpio: Because you have a warm feeling in your tummy today, you will find it easy to reach out to others in a positive, giving, generous way. That pint of Gin you guzzled is doing the trick and everyone looks totally do-able. Visit a pharmacy. Buy condoms.
Sagittarius: This is a wonderful day for any kind of group activity because working together with others bring about a positive result. You will all benefit equally. That is until you roofie everyone and rifle their wallets. People are trusting and stupid. Take advantage of them.
Capricorn: You make a big impression on bosses, parents, teachers, VIPs and even the police. That’s because today whatever you do, you will do easily. You are the conduit that can make it all happen and your shotgun, a catalyst for change. Contact the media.
Aquarius: You have wonderful opportunities to travel this year and to explore the world in a meaningful way. Enjoy profound discussions with others about politics, religion and racial issues. Pretend to care as you pretend to listen. Smile knowingly.
Pisces: Keep pockets open because you can benefit from the wealth and resources of others today. Someone might give you a gift, perhaps even money. If not, tell them to put their hands up and empty their pockets. Run in an easterly direction.