Horror Scopes: May 2018

Mr Meaner

Aries: Think before you speak or take action. Emotions will prompt you to overreact, causing regret. 10 to 20 is a long time to go to prison just because someone ate your sandwich. Consider eating out more often.
Taurus: You may be forced to step outside your comfort zone, but once you do, it will feel remarkably good, and what you accomplish will impress those around you as well as prepare you for bigger and better triumphs. Agree on a safety word first and pick up some flesh tone body paint so know one will ever know.
Gemini: You can make a difference if you participate in a fundraiser or lend a helping hand to a friend. Your ability to solve problems and motivate others to get moving will ensure success as well as recognition. Get ready for an onslaught of phone calls from every whiner you’ve ever met. Move away.
Cancer: Keep life simple. Stress will lead to outbursts and emotional mayhem that will disrupt your life. Treat others with diplomacy and dignity. If they continue to get on your nerves, look for a hit-man on Craig’s list. Negotiate the best price and practice feigning insanity.
Leo: Make personal changes or get involved in projects that will help you diversify what you have to offer. Learning something new will be your passageway to a new beginning. Practice assembling your weapons in record time, because when the end times come you’ll be on your own. Buy a dog.
Virgo Pick up information wherever you can. You’ll learn quickly and be able to move forward if you implement your findings. Don’t make financial donations or get involved in joint money ventures. After you’ve robbed that liquor store, suggest your partner go on ahead without you. Split the money 3 ways and implicate the store clerk. Practice lying.
Libra: One step at a time will ensure that you remain steady and ready to take on whatever comes your way. Refuse to get caught up in melodramas or family feuds. Keep a clear head and concentrate on completing whatever you start. Remember, the red wire will detonate that bomb you’ve been working on. Buy more fertiliser and invite your family to your place for the holidays. Stay away.
Scorpio: Take the initiative and make plans to do things that interest you. The people you meet and the way it alters your thinking will be beneficial and result in living a more eco-friendly lifestyle. Consider buying that cabin in the woods you’ve always wanted. Grow a beard, stop washing and take stock in who still considers themselves your friends.
Sagittarius: The alterations you make to your living arrangements or your home must be done moderately. Do your best to save money and improve the way you live, and you will avoid complaints as well as someone trying to take over. Use stick-it notes to let everyone know who owns the food. Write other’s names on the spoiled milk and mouldy cookies. Take the lightbulb out of the refrigerator. Await the late night screams.
Capricorn: Caution will help you avoid mistakes that lead to regret. You will find it difficult to get along with opinionated people and troubles are likely to surface between you and someone you are close to. Just because they tell you they’re related make them prove it. There’s nothing like a good blood letting.
Aquarius: Jump in and do your thing. Make personal and professional changes that will increase your income. Steal everything that’s not nailed down. Practice running away.
Pisces: You can talk your way in and out of anything. Networking will help you carve out your path and stabilize your position. The NRA is full of people just like you who like to party in the woods. Bring some of your Amway friends.