HorrorScopes: August 2018

Mr Meaner

Aries: Things are flowing well for you today and you’ll make great progress in whatever project you take on. Once you get the ball rolling, people will need to get out of your way. This alone time will be invaluable. Consider not showering for the next week.
Taurus: Put aside frivolity for the day. This is an important time to prepare for the future. Make sure you don’t step forward until you know you are on solid ground. taking your partner’s offer for free skydiving might not have been the best choice. Google “Billy Bob’s SkiDivin” for reviews and insights.
Gemini: Tighten up your bootstraps and get things done today. There’s an expansive feeling in the air that will help you tackle whatever it is that you need finished. The uranium you ordered is ready for pick up.
Cancer: Connections with others are quite precious today, although they are apt to be a bit wild. Your actions and emotions may be on the primal side, and you may be acting on raw animal instincts. If a co-worker rejects your advances, it might not be a good idea to sniff their ass in public. Just sayin’.
Leo: If you talk about another person today, make sure you don’t say anything you wouldn’t say if they were standing right next to you. But don’t worry, you have too many friends already, so tell them what yo really think. Join Tinder.
Virgo Be careful of planning things out too much. At least leave the morning open to spontaneous acts and haphazard events. That inevitable car crash is just around the corner and you might not make it to your Hot Oil Yoga class… ever again.
Libra: Act on your instincts today, and you will not go wrong. You may need to give up a bit of control and put logical thinking aside for the day. Go crazy. Run naked through your workplace. Get arrest! Become an internet sensation! Who needs privacy anyway?
Scorpio: The doldrums are over and its time to pick up the pace. Come out of your home in full regalia today and be proud of what you have to offer to the world. There’s no gesture too large. Be the unicorn you’ve always wanted to be! Avoid people with badges. Buy a gun.
Sagittarius: Today is an important day for you to make valuable connections with others. You will find yourself engaged in fast paced, witty conversations and debates from which you can learn a great deal. Though, you don’t understand a word they’re saying, nod your head and maintain eye contact. Learn a big word.
Capricorn: Come out of serious-mode for a day and let yourself laugh. Sponsor a game night at your home in which you invite some good friends over to play and nibble on snacks until midnight. Dust off that big bowl and throw your car keys into it and then set cameras up around the house. Increase your internet upload.
Aquarius: On a day like today it is important for you to take action. Trust yourself and your instincts. Often times you will have the perfect advice for every situation and every other person except for yourself. Your friends will call you a know-it-all but don’t let that deter you. Your friends, what few you’ll have left, are stupid, dumber than you in fact. Notice the continuous head nodding and eye contact; a social tactic you’ve seen somewhere before? Think hard.
Pisces: You may be talking other people’s heads off today, but that is completely natural. You have a great deal to say so why not say it? More than likely, you will have your way with very little effort on your part. The assault rifle you bought last month looks great hanging on your office wall. Take it down from time to time and point it at people. Make a joke about it not being loaded and then fire a bullet into the ceiling. Notice how quickly people stop hogging the water cooler. You win.