HorrorScopes: May 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: Your instincts guide you to the correct financial solution. You could be relieved that with a risk, all works out as you like. You get more prison time if you get caught with a weapon, so consider wearing a jacket with pockets and exercise your index finger for the big day.
Taurus: You might try to change directions and pursue a different idea or focus. You need to make sure that you not only are interested in the topic but also will gain through developing your knowledge of it. It’s a shame they don’t teach bomb building in high-school. You’re on your own, Skipper.
Gemini: Your feelings about what’s happening around you could be far different than you originally imagined. Be willing to let go and pursue a different interest because it’s the final season of Game of Thrones and soon your knowledge of dragons will be rendered immaterial and inconsequential.
Cancer: Your sensitivity and caring are well known to many people. You might want to make someone less comfortable dealing with you. Leaches and hang-ons are going to suck up all your free time. Consider opening a website for losers and sharing the URL with everyone you know.
Leo: Your way of dealing with a particular person could be both different and effective. Have a discussion with this person about a long-term desire. Let them know, without a doubt, you have no desire to see them in the future. Change your phone number and email. Buy hair dye.
Virgo: Defer to others; this attitude will ultimately draw the results you desire. A partner’s or loved one’s imagination could seem endless. Also, blame will be cast upon your friends leaving you with all the cash and none of the consequences. Win.
Libra: Ask questions of a loved one who seems more anchored than you are, especially regarding facts and finances. You usually assume a stronger role, but you might be intrigued by what you hear. It’s time to let someone else be the top, and you be the bottom. Bring extra cash and fiscal lubricants.
Scorpio: Remain more direct and sure of yourself. How you see a loved one could change, perhaps because you’d like to see him or her in a different light. Black light works best when detecting bodily fluids, and no light is best once you’ve accepted the fluids you found.
Sagittarius: You could be full of get-up-and-go. No matter what you do or the choices you make, you cannot be stopped. You may find yourself with a bad case of the sniffles, but no one will care once you tell them it’s your imitation of President Trump. Buy a small mirror.
Capricorn: Deal directly with a change that’s occurring around you, as it might be more important than you realize or want to address. You no longer have to hide in the basement for a “smoke.” Getting high is now legal, so it’s time to enjoy the outdoors while waiting for your “package” in the mail.
Aquarius: Remain sensitive to the costs of proceeding as you have. At this point, your home continues to be a major priority, and you need to honour your feelings on this matter. That S&M room is coming along nicely and there’s a sale on blood red paint at the hardware store. Savings!
Pisces: This month, you could be unusually emotional about what you view as a failure. The situation might not be as hopeless as you believe it is. Keep communication flowing and never stop talking. Your ability to babble endlessly will come in as a real asset especially when the cuffs are on you.