Aries: Gravitate toward people and projects that will help you maintain and make headway. Take care of unfinished personal business, and you will get ahead financially. Just because people think you’re dating your grandparent, you’ll have the final laugh. Death is just around the corner and the Will has been changed. Congratulations on your new life.
Taurus: Take better care of your health, home and happiness. It’s up to you to set standards. Put in the effort in order to reap the rewards, because you look horrible and it’s no mystery why you’re still alone. Buy expensive creams, SPF 100.
Gemini: Friendless? Get busy putting in the time and effort to make it happen. You are the master of your destiny. Do what’s right and best for you. Stop considering other people’s feelings, it hasn’t worked yet. Exude traits of selfishness and even bigotry. Meet new friends.
Cancer: Live in the moment, and create the life you want to live. Don’t let someone make decisions for you. Reason with the officer, but don’t use the word “stalker” in any sentence. Deny any court or order.
Leo: Get involved in projects that encourage commonality and spending more time with people who are heading down a similar path. Stamp collectors make good friends and are often members of ANTIFA planning on the next bit of protest. Listen in and then report back to authorities. Prepare to be awarded.
Virgo: Refuse to let an emotional matter slow you down or create a roadblock. Handle issues using reason, incentives and intelligence. The person you’re negotiating with has half the intellect you do. Agree to everything and recant your position later. Use confusion as a weapon.
Libra: Visit someone who brings out the best in you. Activities that are conducive to better health and fitness should be your priorities. The counter person at the local gym has been in your dreams forever. Now’s the time to strike. Buy new leotard and start working out. Soon you’ll be too sore to think about love. Renew Netflix.
Scorpio: Don’t jump too quickly if someone asks for too much. Get along and be willing to listen, but in the end, offer suggestions, not cash or your time or talent or anything of value. Good chance they are trying to steal from you so make plans to exact revenge.
Sagittarius: Don’t rely on others. What you do should be done by you alone. Put in the time and reap all the rewards. Enjoy your “Me” time. Remember, masturbation shouldn‘t be a dirty word. Buy sani-wipes.
Capricorn: Observe what others do or say. If someone overreacts or asks for too much, be fully prepared to decline. Just because you take them to dinner doesn’t mean they need two desserts, and you both know it. If it doesn’t look like you’re going to get any love, pretend to have left your wallet at home. Fake phone talk.
Aquarius: Working toward a common goal is favored. A personal opportunity will bring about a positive change in the way you live but don’t trust someone who has let you down. Those people are dirt. Always remember that. Forgive no one.
Pisces: A creative outlet or volunteering your time or services to a cause you believe in will broaden your perspective regarding what’s possible. That commune down that country road is an ideal setting for self discovery. Find love while swapping spit with everyone!
Never look back.