Horror Scopes: February 2019

Mr Meaner

Aries: Aim your energy in a single direction, because if you have more than one target you will reduce your chances of success. Step one, lift the toilet seat. Step 2. Aim. Step 3. Release. Success achieved. You will now be loved by someone other than yourself.
Taurus: You may be under the impression that if you don’t grab what is being offered you will miss out or fall behind. That isn’t true. You will be more of a success if you make a plan. Try robbing a bank and buying her those diamonds. Make sure she’s worth 5-10.
Gemini: Jupiter, planet of good fortune, turns direct in your sign today, so there is no reason at all why you should hold back, and every reason why you should surge ahead of the pack. Show your rivals what real speed looks like. Spin your tires and shoot gravel in their faces. That will teach ‘em to be followers. Your blind date will be impressed.
Cancer: Be careful what you say to colleagues and employers today because if they feel you are being unfair they may turn against you. If you have to be blunt at least make sure what you say is true. Remember telling someone their ugly and lazy are both subjective ideas, even if it is the reality. Consider asking them out.
Leo: You won’t hesitate to point out other people’s faults today – in fact once you start you may find it hard to stop. That’s okay, but don’t forget it works both ways: Expect to have a few of your own failings highlighted. Consider a cash prize for the best insult and then beat up the winner in the parking lot to get your cash back. It’s date night, you’ll need it.
Virgo: Jupiter, planet of abundance, brings rewards, so good things and love are sure to come your way. Don’t worry if that seems to upset some people – they’re jealous of your success and probably just losers.
Libra: You can afford to be optimistic and you can afford to believe that the risks you take will pay off. Mostly they will but even when they occasionally go wrong it won’t be a big deal. On balance you’re a winner. This may be a good time to teach your children how to steal food and make bedding from old shirts you find. 7 is still a lucky number. Buy chocolates.
Scorpio: If you are told something of a privileged nature today you must keep it to yourself. If you let everyone in on the secret you won’t be confided in again – in fact you may in future be the last one to know. The fact your boss has breasts and a penis may turn out to be a big plus in the future. Love is wonderful.
Sagittarius: This looks like an excellent day for partnerships, especially those of a romantic nature. Jupiter in your opposite sign of Gemini will wash away any issues you might have with the person you love most. It’s all good and the Tequila is on sale so go for it! Buy condoms.
Capricorn: You will get through tasks and chores, both at home and at work, in record-quick time today. You’re a whirlwind that can’t be controlled! Remember though that it’s not all about speed. Make a good job of what you do too or she’ll never sleep with you again. Bring tissue.
Aquarius: Generally speaking this is still one of the best times of the year for you but with the Sun at right angles to Saturn today you may need to watch your back. Do you have a secret enemy? Yes, it seems you do and they’re parked out front of your house. It’s her old boyfriend. Good time to know bikers.
Pisces: You are trying too hard to convince someone that you know what you are talking about. The more you try to persuade them the more suspicious they get. But why do you need to convince them? Let your actions speak for you. If you say you’ll pull out, pull out! Easy. Watch Kindergarten Cop before you go.